How to Communicate your Grief with Family and Friends
Grief is a deeply personal feeling that often unfolds in the presence of others. When someone is grieving, it can affect and be affected by the relationships around them. Grief can feel very isolating which is why communicating grief can feel like a big challenge. Communicating grief with family and friends is not always straightforward. Some people find comfort in sharing their feelings and experiences, while others struggle to express their feelings. In both of these cases, making space for open communication, even if it’s imperfect, can be an impactful part of healing. This blog explores how to voice your grief to loved ones, how to ask for support, and how to navigate the complexities of relationships during a time of profound emotional change.
Grief is a Nonlinear Experience
The path of grief is not always predictable. Grief comes in waves, some you are able to expect, and others hit you out of nowhere. Your capacity for grief can shift between sadness and withdrawal –and irritability, numbness, or guilt, or a mixture of all. Because grief is so complex and personal, it can be hard to put into words. This can be especially true when you’re not sure how you’re feeling yourself.
Recognizing that grief is a nonlinear experience is the first step toward understanding how to communicate it. When people can understand their internal experience with someone they trust, it can ease the burden. However, grief can carry a social component. Your family and friends may want to help, but they don’t know how. Some people could misinterpret silence as distance, or attempt to offer comfort in ways that may not feel helpful to you.
Starting With Self-Awarness
Acknowledging your feelings before expressing your grief to others is helpful. It can also sometimes be hard to know what you’re feeling or what you need. If you need some guidance, you can ask yourself questions like:
What emotions am I carrying?
What feels the hardest about this experience?
Is there a part of me that wants connection or feeling misunderstood?
What have I found helpful while processing my grief?
Speaking with your therapist, journaling, and voice-memoing can be ways to help clarify your answers to these questions and your emotions. Grief is messy, and the way you move through it can be entirely your own—and that’s not just okay, it’s good. Asking yourself honest questions to reflect on your emotions can help you better understand what you’re feeling and what you need. Slowing down, and being honest with yourself can prepare you to have an honest connection with others.
Choosing Who to Talk to
Not everyone in your life may be the right person to talk to about your grief –and that’s normal. Look for people in your life who are good listeners, don’t jump to trying to fix things, and who can handle your vulnerability without judgement.
It’s okay to start small when communicating your grief. You can test the waters, and see how the person responds. If the person you are talking to shows you empathy and presence, you may feel safe to open up more. If this isn’t the case, it’s completely valid to set boundaries around who you share with, and how much you share.
How to Start the Conversation
Opening up about grief can feel intimidating or uncertain. You might worry about saying the “right” thing or not being understood. But, you don’t need a perfect explanation. What matters most is your willingness to be seen in your grief. You may not know where to begin or what to say. You can use the time you have taken to reflect on your emotions like we previously mentioned. Try to start with something simple and honest:
“I’m going through a really hard time right now, and I just need someone to listen.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed by grief, and I’d like to try to talk about it, but I’m not sure how.”
“Can we talk? I need to get some things out of my head.”
It doesn’t have to be perfect, or a polished story. What matters is that you are open to showing up as you are, and being vulnerable.
Communicating What You Need
Sometimes family and friends want to be there for you, but simply don’t know how. Grief can make some people uncomfortable, and even the closest loved ones who mean well, may hesitate, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or make things worse unintentionally. This is where being clear with your needs can be extremely influential. Offering simple guidance to your loved ones can help them know how they can support you, and ease the pressure on both sides. You can communicate to your family and friends if you need a listening ear, need someone to check in on you, talk about the person you have lost, etc. By sharing your needs, you open the door to receiving the care and connection that can support you through grief.
You’re not being a burden by communicating what you need. Communicating your grief can create a bridge between your personal experience and your experience with other’s support they want to give. Not everyone will get it right, but most people will appreciate the clarity and feel more confident showing up for you in meaningful ways. These conversations open the door to more authentic and compassionate connections, which is often what we need most when we’re grieving.
How to Handle Responses, Especially When They Can Be Hurtful
People often don’t know what to say about grief, which can make it challenging for them and you to communicate. Sometimes comments like “they’re in a better place”, “at least they lived a long life”, or “everything happens for a reason” can be extremely hard to hear.
These phrases can unintentionally dismiss or invalidate a grieving person’s pain. While these comments are meant to provide comfort or meaning, it can often cause distress in our grieving experience. They can imply that there is purpose or a lesson you should learn behind a loss that can feel really unfair. It can also make people feel like they need to suppress or reframe their grief before they are ready to take a new step in their journey. Especially in the early stages of grief, most people are in need of validation, space, and empathy. What they are most likely not looking for is to find the silver linings in their loss or make sense of the unexplainable.
Grief doesn’t always follow a path that makes sense. Finding “meaning” can come much later if this does happen. If you are told that the pain you are experiencing has a predetermined purpose, it is normal to feel misunderstood in your pain. It can often feel the most helpful for someone to be by your side in pain, rather than fixing it. The warmhearted presence of others, not fixing, is what can support real healing.
Supporting Shared Grief
When family or friends collectively experience a loss, every person can grieve differently. Some may want to avoid the topic all together, and another person may want to talk constantly about their grief. This can create a misunderstanding or tension within the group. It’s helpful to remember that there is no “right” way to grieve. If you are experiencing grief that that is shared between family and friends, it can create space for healing when you:
Set times to check in with one another
Honor the differences you all may have when expressing and processing your grief
Honor the person you have lost or share stories
Giving space to each other to feel without needing to explain
Along with these suggestions, family therapy can also be a beneficial resource when trying to communicate your grief between family and friends.
When Words Don’t Come Easily
There can be days when communicating your grief feels impossible –and that’s okay. Sometimes grief doesn’t always speak in a clear narrative and that can cause the weight of emotion to feel too heavy to articulate or you haven’t found the right words to talk about it. It is important to acknowledge that communicating grief doesn’t have to be limited to verbal expression. Writing in a journal, creating art, playing music, or even taking a walk with someone you trust can all be valuable ways to express and process your grief. Using these forms of expression and release can allow your feelings to move without the pressure of explaining anything. You may even find that some of these things can communicate your emotions even better than putting them into words.
Grief Therapy in Raleigh, NC
Grief is complicated, and everyone needs support while going through it. Although the steps of processing our grief are never perfect, it is important to look for signs that indicate a need for additional support. If you are experiencing signs of:
Feeling constantly numb or hopeless
Isolating ourself from all social contact
Not being able to function in daily life
Experiencing intrusive thoughts, panic, nightmares
Turning to substances or other unhealthy coping mechanisms
If you are experiencing any of these, please communicate with your therapist, or find help here.
At Your Journey Through, we offer compassionate support for those experiencing grief and loss. We understand that everyone processes grief differently, and we create space for you to explore it in a way that feels right for you. Your Journey Through can provide you with a therapist that can provide a consistent, nonjudgmental space to help you explore your emotions and offer help in healing and communicating grief. Your grieving is your story to tell, but grieving doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. Having a therapist means having someone who can walk beside you, helping you find your voice again.
